Tuesday, March 3, 2009

"Attack Of The Skinny Jeans"

Now, I am not one to agree with being a vicious dictator or to police the
lives of others, unless that is, they're your children. Children who you've
spent nine hours in labor trying to deliver with no epidural or not enough
of it. Or children who you've worked sixty hours a week for, on a job where
your labor is never honestly rewarded; just to feed their hungry little
stomachs and greedy ass consumer-goods appetite. In that case, rule on, but
let me be human for a second and contradict my previous statement to service
my long overdue opinion on the topic of how pop culture trends can go really

Certain trends to me should be left in the vault of trends history where they belong.
If Hip Hop is the youth's Capital Hill, then there should be a governing body,
a commission of some sort, that controls the trends we decide to green light
or flat out say "hell no" to. Like the latest 80's UK-rocker, skate boarder
look, "skinny jeans," it's like a bad horror flick. Everywhere I look I'm
being attacked. Boys and girls of all races and creeds, and even a few crips
and bloods (which for the life of me I still don't
understand this species of gangsta) have been spotted rocking these sore sights for healthy

I'm not real versed on the history of skinny jeans, but I wonder were they created by some rogue division of government to sterilize men by smothering the shit out of the man sack and it's precious cargo? Or to help women sweat that fat away in those trouble places called the thighs? Either way it is beyond disturbing to see my fellow brothers, who in my eyes are the Gods of creating style, swag, and all the other cool trends in the last...shit this lifetime, fall victim to this awful invasion by the 
"Attack Of The Skinny Jeans."

Now, "Brothers!!!" Based on our African genes (by the way real genes) and the anatomy of our bodies, skinny jeans just ain't for us. I mean needing more room to let our nuts hang wasn't that the whole reason for baggy jeans and
starting our own clothing lines? So that we could make the sizes that fit us just right? You know, for us by us, " F.U.B.U." And there's no straighter way of saying this, but accidentally catching eyes with another man's (Pause!!!) is un-comfy and honestly I'm flat out offended by you wearers of these poor excuses for denim jeans.

The fact that you owners of these jeans on a diet could be so selfish to not think twice
about creating a disturbing image for our sensitive homophobic nature
(wait is that a oxymoron?) is real Bush like, just plain "evil." This is why I have found it
challenging to attend ballets. The exaggerated cup on the male performers
makes it hard (Pause!!) to enjoy the show. To the ex-girlfriend who couldn't
understand why I didn't share the same joy for that form of art, there I
said it, that's why.

In conclusion, we are Americans free to...wait let me rephrase that, we are Americans under the illusion that we are free; there's a price for it and we all pay dearly. We are free to define who we are, which is a God given right that we all should take full advantage of. A bag of skittles wouldn't be a bag of skittles if they were all one color. Know when to say no, master being leaders opposed to being followers, and stand on your own two feet. This is why the styles and unique inventions of those who created before us are being jacked left and right like Egyptian tombs because they were original trend setters. Don't get me wrong, we're all inspired, even they were, but the act of inspiration is to build your brick on top of the brick that was laid before you. Your brick can be painted with color, chipped a little on the edges, and even laid different to the side, backwards or standing up right. Point is set trends, don't just be a part of one. This is America people!! For once be greedy when it counts, and stop the

Skinny Jeans was a loved trend, they rocked out on many stages,
styled every Goth kid on the planet,
(and I'm sure a few aliens or two in the far off galaxy) and
caught rail with every skate boarder from the 80's up until now.
Let us hold hands, bow our heads and say it all together, "may they please recycle in peace.".....Amen

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